They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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