How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
