I'm sorry my penis didn't work
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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