that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Drunk is not a location!
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
