Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
