i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
