im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
