I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
