Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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