Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I smell stomach acid.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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