It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
