Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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