I think I am morally bankrupt
and she was petting her beer can
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
