C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Randomize
