I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize
