I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
