Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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