um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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