is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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