I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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