I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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