Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
