If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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