her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
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