I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
