I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
