Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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