your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
