Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
