Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
