I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I cannot find my penis.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
