I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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