You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Hippo gnu deer
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
