I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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