I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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