Swine flu. Run for my life!
Swine flu is the new snow day.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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