Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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