If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
it's like iHOP with fire
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
