just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
OPIZZABONMYDICK
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
