i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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