My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
