My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Dick very happy bro
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
