also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
