just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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