I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
