you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
