Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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