you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
