I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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