She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
