I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
True strength comes from lack of pants
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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