just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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