I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
