I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
